> Hi everyone,
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> So as most of you know, I really would like to be successful in life. I don't know why. Though I will say that I enjoy expensive things, truthfully, the true joy I have in life is the accomplishment of success itself. I would rather say "I have a company with assets worth 1million" then to say I have a house worth 1 million.
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> I believe the yearn for success is actually a bit unhealthy for the average human. The reasons for wanting to be successful aren't always altruistic. Um, I would like to be successful becasue I find the "game" fun. I enjoy looking at society as if it were a system comprised of data that can be understood, and as a result, the system can be manipulated. It's as if you must study society, and then "hack" it or find a niche to grow in any substancial way.
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> So I will also admit that I feel as if I am smarter than a lot of people. I took an unofficial IQ test once that said my IQ was 126. I didn't believe it so I took another, and scored very similar. Maybe 119 or something. Today I'm afraid to take one again becasue in my logical thinking, I use that, with other things, as evidence that my goals can be acheived, and that my dreamas are realistic.
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> In addition to this, I feel my background of neglect as an infant and toddler has given me a small attachment dissorder which makes it difficult for me to "care" about catching up with people. This resulted in growing up pretty quiet, and reserved, and naturally, when I was around 12, and my parents let me, I flocked to the computer screen becasue it was a way that I could be mentally engaged while not having to deal with the presence of people. I also had, and still have a very high appreciation for the amount of data availilble to us today! I find it so funny how people complain that the economy has suffered as production jobs were redistributed to the regions of less production cost, yet not so many look toward the tech industry with appreciation and understanding of the significant role it has played in the rise of the economy for the past decade, and I think the future economy as well.
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> Also, being withdrawn as a child, I read a lot of books. My favorites were the Enders series by Orson Scott Card who, to be honest, are one of my greatest role models and heros to this day. From these books came a love of all science, and the curiousity that would drive me to do a lot of resarch to find as much as I could about the universe. At this point in my study I feel like I've hit the same wall that most of huamnity has, and I think to do more research would rely on depending on past framework that can almost be proven to not 100% work with the true nature of what we see in the universe, so it's almost a waste of time in my mind.
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> That being said, I honor the scientists that dedicates his or her entire life to one minor discovery that moves humanity foward. Again, the tech industry I think is going to redefine the world "globalization" as the world continues to pick up English as their second language, and come online. I also think with faster speeds, and better software, the ease and conveinance and even realism of web-video conversations, the idea of traveling to "visit" will become much less necessary.
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> I think I could almost theorize that the reason I am so obsessed with better humanity is becasue I love science fiction, and so I spend so much time thinking, and am so aware of Humanity from a point of view that, I feel, most wouldn't really look at it from. I mean, when I "see" humanity, I see the entire planet. I see.. not my children, or my grand children, but thousands of years from now.. I don't see how Earth works, or even the solar system, but the universe. I just see things on a scale that I think was put there by all those science fiction books!
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> Anyway, so I think this obsession has lead me to find great interest it, and as a result, I would like to take steps to create a society that is a little more like the society in my fantasies, and that societie is a technolgocally advanced, peaceful society free of the political drama of this time planet and it's politicians who think their causes matter in the grand scheme of things.
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> I think we can imagine humanity, Earth, and the universe as data. The data is interacting witheachother. Just as the butterfly effect describes, each stimuli that is responded to echos throughout the universe, and I think if we consider that as a conciousness, we do have self-will, and are, even just a little-bit independant of this "process", then we as humans can fundamentally "change" the process of the universe with the actions that are teh results of the decisions made with that consiouness. We are the modifier variable. Any individual who would like to feel as if their existance had any impact or value in society, than I think they need to be thinking in terms of the echos their actions will amke through out time, and not just their immediate time and place within this universe.
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> This is why it makes sense to me what I'm doing. This is why I can justfiy it, and tell myself that even if I might be a sociopath, even if I don't care about the individual and their lives at all, I care about humanity. I love it. I find us so very interesting, and I see so much potential, and the scale of the impact our existance can have on the fundamental process the univese is going through, and perhaps, even, the laws themselves.
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> And so, here I am. This conciousness in my mind. I am an imperfect human. I have bad memmory. I don't have very much patience, I enjoy.. over-indulging. If I like a certain kind of food or music, I will eat/listen to it for weaks at a time until I'm sick of it, and then move on. I also jump between "ideas". I get exicted about one, and start to work on it, and then get distracted as I am excited about a new idea, and I immediately hop into plans on that.
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> All of these flaws I as a conciousness have to address. They aren't me. They are teh result of the evnrionment this sub-concious was raised in. They have created the habbits that my subconcious will feel attached to, and as a result, attach endorphines and dopamine and perhaps even euphoria to. But I have to be strong. I have to identify this weakness, and constalty keep myself aware that this isn't what I will become. I'm not going to let who I "am" shape my fate.
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> So I find that I'm very very self aware. Very in my head. I'm always making sure that I am directing my attention toward something constructive. Even today, as I rest from the feast that was the dopamine party my mind was in as the forum was launched, and you guys liked it, I find myself asking "what next". Of course I know what's next, but I also know, now, that I have some time. If I wanted, I could take the next like 3-4 days off. I could turn my computer off, and do whatever I want. But.. how will they contribute to my life?
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> My life right now has 3 goals. Make my company financially stable. Learn Chinese. and finish highschool. So, when I decide whats next, I'm always reminding myself that I need to consider these goals. I do have 2 "time wasters". One is league of legends which I play about 1-2 hours a day, and the other is educational videos on youtube -- becasue I love information!! hehe
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> Finally, I think I'm a narccist, and I think that really really helps me. It's interesting to say that when I was young, obviously I wasn't the brightest crayon in the box due to my childhood, and through school I really found that I learned everything that was taught, but I could just never be bothered to finish the homework, which resulted in C's through grade and middle school.
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> I didn't begin to have any confidence in myself until very recently actually. Perhaps 2 years ago, when I was 14, I took that IQ test, and scored well, and then I left highschool for an online highschool, and I found that when I did innial testing, I scored really high on everything. I thought I was horrible at algebra, but it turns out that I scored perfect on the algebra portion, and actually, I think I scored 95%+ on everything, so it kinda gave me this clue, her maybe I can have confidence in my own intelect.
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> Later on, I started to look back at my game career online. I've been the leader of some of the biggest guilds in several of the biggest MMOs around. I believe I was able to get myself to that position becasue A. I never did my homework, and had plenty of time, and B. I get along really well with people online for some reason!
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> So, perhaps, than, I'm not a narccist. Perhaps I just have healthy confidence. Also, I might even argue, now that I consider this, that my confidence is a bit low. I'm always scared about the future. Sometimes I lie back on my pillow, and just ask myself if I'm living a life of dilusion. It's scary to be someone who only wants success in the world, and to live every day with the possiblity that I might be just fooling myself
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> I often tell myself I'm different. I'm not like these sheep. I don't want to make friends for what.. to be friends? I don't want to impress people, and I don't want to have S**, and I don't want to spend hours cooking, or chat about the weather over dinner with friends. I just want to accomplish my goals. I believe this makes me more well equiped than others to do business becsaue it's my only focus. In addition, I am once again, aware, that I cannot let a lack of confidence dictate the decisions I make. They should be unbiased, objective, and based on logic, and when I make them, I should have confidence in them, and myself. This, I feel, is why I have confidence. Not becsaue I have confidence, but becasue to not have it would create the possiblity of myself being an indivdual who is unconffident, and that isn't really in light with my goals
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> Sorry for the ramble. I hope it's at least kind of on topic. This was wrote more as a way for me to analyze myself and why I am the way I am, but please let me know what you think!! These things I'm saying make up the soul of my being. They are the ideas from which I base my life decions, so I'm very open to critiszm, and being made "aware" if you feel I am dilusional or wrong in something
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